Sunday, November 21, 2010

I hate my life!!!

Once again I feel so alone. I have no one. I barely have friends and I feel no one cares about me. I just want a hug, someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. But no, Im just sittin here with no one while my heart just keeps breaking. I fear this is how it's always going to be. I just want someone to care enough but they dont. No one can help me- well they can but no one tries. I feel like people just sit back and do nothing when it comes to me. But when people need me I'm always there- I give hug, I comfort, I try to make there life more positive and I try to make them laugh or something!

I just want a hug. Some kind of love. Something. But I know in the end- it wont ever happen. At least not tonight.




Sunday, November 14, 2010

Before & After 2009-2010

Here are my before and after pics. I look so bad in this one... ew. But I look hott in this one below! =)

The first one is from winter 2009 I weighed 164

These are from winter last year to winter this year- I've lost 24 pounds.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Toast to the douchebags!

I'm listening to the Kayne West's song runaway, and I'm really feeling this song. Its weird, its like speaking to me. its like all the asshole guys out there are singing this powerful song to me telling me to run away from them cuz they are no good for me.
"runaway from me baby"
the violin is so beautiful in this song but the words are powerful too. Makes me think about my past relationship how I put up with so much and I should've gotten so much in return but I didn't. I honestly don't know if he is the one for me but I know its never gonna work out cuz his feelings aren't strong enough for me. And why would I want to be with someone like that anyway? guess he isn't the one then right? I dont know if I'll find someone even close to how he makes me feel but i know we aren't right for each other. When its right, you just know- everything feels right but this isn't right. something is missing and it ain't me! The song speaks to me about how these assholes aren't good to me. its just so powerfully spoken plus the singer is in pain cuz he doesn't know how to change himself. and the girl just triest to keep working things out and he is like- why can't you just runaway- because I'm not good for you! and I should too- I dont know why I stay and crave something I know isn't working. I need to have a more open mind, when it comes to love. I need to get to know myself more and see me and figure out who I am and who God is before giving myself to another person. I need to think about the consequences and not let the fear of being alone get to me. I need to see why everyone believes I'll find love except for myself. I need to experience freedom by going on adventures and living life to the fullest. More positive and less negative.


please help me with the need to be fullfilled by someone else. All I want is you. Right now I wish so much to be held by a man and I feel this yearning inside to reach out to someone I shouldn't. Please be near me- hold me and help me protect my heart so it isn't given so easily. Please be with me tonight as I sleep. Thank you for being my father- my husband, my savior and king. thank you for seeing the real me and making me the woman you want me to be.

I love you, Amen.

Just a feeling...

Sometimes I wish things weren't so heavy on my mind, my heart. I don't know if its God or just myself but I just think or maybe a feeling inside that I'll end up alone. Its so hard to find someone even though I've met tons of people its really hard to find someone you feel a connection to- someone who will work with you and love you no matter what. I guess there is only one man for me and its not the right timing. I know I can't always trust my feelings though but still... if I really think about it- I just think that love is near impossible to get and keep it.

I DID IT! =)

I'm so happy to announce that I finished the 10k Marine Marathon course in DC! It went by quick and my time was the best ever! I finished in 1 hour and 5 minutes- BEST TIME EVER!! It was such a great feeling and I was tired, but not exhausted. My right ankle hurt while I was running but I just kept pushing through and my left knee hurt but what else could I do? nothing lol so I just kept on running.... I was an original Forrest Gump! without the beard :) I trained since the end of july and pushed myself the hardest I've ever done and I'm very proud of myself.

My next goal is to do p90x for 90 days. I know its hard but I've already started it and started eating healthy and I've lost 5 pounds in almost a week. I know I can do this and get in the best physical shape I've ever gotten in! I'm gonna be hott hott hott! more pics to come!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.

u gotta face things and dont give up on yourselve even when it seems everyone else has.
ur not running away from who u are, but from who u r becoming.

just a little sad tonight. I hope I feel better soon.