Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I have taken the initiative to better log my food and calories, how much water I drink, and how much weight I loose or gain :( no gaining please!!!! I'm sick and tired of wondering what I'm doing wrong when it comes to eating so I'm going to log everything down- see what the patterns are and go from there!

You can see here that on the left I have the weight loss log where I write my weight everday (and yes I mean everyday) because I need that scale to know I mean business! I'm serious about this and I know it will help me a lot to constantly be aware about how much I weigh everyday. On the bottom left I have a sample meal plan just in case I get lost and forget that there are others out there like me who are doing the same thing and I should keep pushing through! Sometimes it does feel like I'm the ONLY person trying to be healthy so its a good reminder. The right side is the food diary where I log how much water I've taken in, how many calories and whether or not I've had a faboulous, ok, good, or great day! I really like how organized I am! It also asks me about my workout and if it's light, moderate or heavy.

Oh... the soda days. I miss soda- but I have to tell myself... do I love cancer or soda more? Apparently soda causes cancer and that is a fear of mine: dying too young.

So with all my power and might- I'm staying away from soda.

damn... I wish I had a soda right now!

but I gotta keep away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is me and my best friend Tawnya :) Isn't she beautiful???? I'm holding her belly because she is carrying my first God child, Kayde. I'm so excited and last Saturday was her baby shower. Elmer got to come along and it was really fun! You can see more pictures on facebook!
11 weeks left!

This is my me & my Dad. We met for the first time two years ago. I went to go visit him the day after Christmas for a week and I learned so much about the other side of the family. All n'all I had a great time. I learned a lot about my dad and found out what kind of person he is- which is great because it helps you find out what kind of person I am.
Getting to know my dad has it's hard times- especially because he smokes, and I can't stand smoking. I mean, you're talking to a woman who is trying to be healthy at all times, no matter what and I just can't take smoke. Especially if you don't wash your hands after smoking and it cuts into the middle of dinner because you're so addicted you just have to smoke. Me, personally, I would NEVER date someone who smokes. I don't care if you are the hottest guy ever, I would never kiss you. I hate smoking that much. So you can see the dilemma that I'm trying to get close to my dad (hug him, talk to him) but his constant smoking is getting in the way.
I'm not saying he has to quit, I just wish his lifestyle didn't revolve around it only because it is very hard to get close to him.
Like I said though- I had a great trip, I LOVE my new family members, I wish I could spend more time with them, I really do.
I know we all have problems with our parents- but because so much time has wasted with my dad and not knowing him or my other family members, I don't want anything to get in the way.
any thoughts?
I'm at a place right now that I don't want to be at: work. But, it's what I gotta do. At least it lets me to view other people's blogs and get a chance to comment on theres...

I found this amazing weightloss blog... check it out!

It's great because it gives you lots of practical tools and information even for someone like myself who knows a lot about weightloss but needs a re-fresher course on things to get your mind in perspective!

I would def. like to say that these two women should be prayed for and maybe post a kind word or maybe more on there blogs....



These two women are going through hard times at the moment and need prayer- also there loved ones need prayer as well. Both blogs are beautifully written.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Love Letters

My meeting with my counselor yesterday was awesome! I actually got to feel God and I broke a family curse and some soul ties that I've had with people who have lead me away from God. I actually got to feel God again and I learned a lot about myself. I learned for sure I was isolating myself from people because I don't want to get hurt again. I was afraid of rejection. So i'm going to do more things, meet new people, and hopefully make some new friends!

I was reading some love letters from famous writers and I thought they were so beautiful I wanted to repost them- Its poetry and it's beautiful the way these men express themselves back in the day how much they love their love! Paris, December


"I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil. Sweet, incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart! Are you angry? Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried?... My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for you lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!
You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.
Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire."

Famous love letter by Gustave Flaubert
August 15, 1846

"I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge yu with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint and die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to
yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports... When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them."

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How to be more happy :)

I just read a great article about achieving happiness. It shares that true happiness is inside yourself and can not be filfilled by people, children and things. I know this in my mind and heart- but sometimes I still think that if I had these things, I would be happy. I know this is not the case, but I think through God, meditation, and helping others, I will be filfilled on the inside. I have figuered out a little bit more through this article and the other one listed below that I need to spend more time with God.

Happiness is your mind- your heart and your inner thinking.

The things I need to work on inside myself are how I view myself- I want my self esteem back! I need to know that I'm worthy. I need to get to know myself better and why I tick so I can prepare myself to have better relationships with people.

Is it possible to be happy & sad at the same time?

I just read a bunch of other people's blogs today and they def. inspired me to write about how I was feeling on a bunch of topics.
I've been emotionally eating lately and I hate it! It doesn't make me feel better but it's like saying to myself, "well I already feel like crap, might as well eat this and myself feel even worse because I deserve it and I should be happy" The last couple of days, I don't want to work, I want to do something that will make me happy or at least get these blues out of my system and cry it out! SOMETHING!!! lol I'm so thankful and grateful for the things I have and at the same time I'm crying on the inside saying, "don't I derserve better than this?"
I just joined FoodForThought class at my church. It's a class on Sunday afternoons that explores food and emotions in a deeper way relating to what God says in the bible about this. "Food for Thought will help uncover the truths about your relationship with food. This class will guide you through the process of identifying unhealthy mindsets and exchanging them for truth- change from the inside out!" - www.lfmi.org
So I'm excited to take this class and today I've scheduled an appointment with a church counselor because I feel myself slipping into being sad and sorry for myself and I can't stand it. I've only been down for about 4 or 5 days but that is 4 or 5 too many! If i'm down for a day I think that's normal but more than that and it starts to ruin my life. I can't sleep, or I feel more tired, I dont' want to work, or i want to keep working to keep myself busy, I cry too often.. etc, etc. But this time I just feel sad about the things I don't have. I don't have friends, I don't have a man that supports me and gives me love, and I'm just stressed. I read an article on Oprah.com that talks about if soulmates are real and true lovers have the perfect relationship and I love this article because its reality for me that those things are not real. That true love isn't for everyone. Honestly I don't feel deserving or worthy enough of it and yet sometimes I think I am. The writer of the article is a therapist and she makes a great point when she says,
"When you want someone who an anticipate your thoughts and desires, you're really looking for an idealized parent-usually a combination of Mommy and Daddy wrapped into one. For years, I was looking for men who would think I was charming and make me feel safe- like Daddy's best girl, the craving for that kind of attention is rampant. I see women all the time who say they're looking for romantic relationships, but I believe they're really looking to be parented. We all want to feel special and dear, with our foibles bathed in the loving glow of a doting father and at the same time we want Daddy's strong arms, we also want a mother's sweetness and tenderness. and when the romance goes south, you end up feeling like a child who's been abandoned and is lost."

This really hit home for me and I want to learn more about this stuff so I can become a better person on my own. I really want God to be the center of everything and then I feel like no matter what happens, I'll be ok. When I don't put him in the center and I put myself in the center, I feel lost, abandoned, and I feel like crap basically. I want to overeat because I don't feel happiness, I don't feel God or love or the caring from other human beings. Most people are worried about money, jobs, and where to live- I'm worried about relationships and when I'll ever have long lasting ones. Relationships feed my soul and when they don't I turn to other things that I think will feed me but they seem to do the opposite and they kill my spirit and leave me alone, broken hearted, and miserable. I want to stop regretting the past and just move on. I want to stop wishing for things and actually live a life full with God as number 1. Only then will I be happy. I just have to get there and I think counseling today will help me with that!

I can't wait to get closer to God because I know no matter what happens, he is my only shot at happiness. I've been so happy before just with me and him and I want that again- desperately.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What am I doing?

I've messed up. again.

This past week I've been upset because I just can not seem to find a medium anymore. I've been happy, well, content I mean, but this past week I've felt alone, abandoned, and worthless. These are my deepest roots people, these are the things I struggle with everyday and probably will for my whole life- why? All because I didn't have a father? yes and no. I've always had money and support- I was taught to be independent, but I never had someone growing up that I was emotionally attached to. I've had two close people in my whole life that I really felt attached too and I've lost them both. My Will and my Dawson so to speak. The gay best friend and guy who I thought was my soul mate.
I've turned to God. Only because I can't turn to anyone else and because I know that out of everyone, he can only give me the joy that I so desperately desire. The only problem I have is that I can't get this joy and I have no idea why. I used to have it- all the time. I was confident, I knew who I was in God, and now its the opposite and I have no idea how to get myself back at that point. I wish it was easy. I'm not saying its God, but I have no idea what I need to change or do that would help me get back to that point. Well... maybe thats not true because I should be going to church. Surround myself with people who go to church. They just seem so fake sometimes- like there life is so perfect- and sometimes it is, but not all the time! I just dont know how to fit in at church sometimes- I feel so lost.
I have this whole list of things that I've always wanted to do- and I've always been the type of person that says, "no matter what, I'm going to do it!" but lately, I've forgotten about that list and I keep asking myself, "am I really that different from everyone else?" I want to be, I want to be happy alone- I know there is no such thing as forever and I'm tired of losing people so I give up at trying to find lasting friendships and a wonderful marriage. yes, I give up? why? because what's the point of believing in something or someone when you know that nothing will last?
Sometimes this pain is too much. I know I'm going to be alone God, I just know it because sometimes I seek people to fill me instead of seeking you- but now I've been seeking you and where are you? How come I dont feel you like I used to? I know you're listening.

well I should def. go back to church and seek counseling because maybe I have unresolved issues that are blocking me from God that I just dont know about yet.

I know God made me for a purpose and I know I'm different- even though sometimes I don't represent that all the time but on the inside, I'm special. I just want the world to see that, I want that special someone to see that. I've been waiting and standing here for SOMEONE to notice me- but I go un-noticed. These are my deepest demons.

I'm tired of feeling alone, abandoned, and worthless.