Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
I love that I can forgive just about anyone, especially my father.
I love that I can move on (for the most part) from my past and look forward to the future.
I love that I feel like I can do it all and without the help of anyone.
I love the feeling that I can push myself to see my goals become reality.
I love that I can feel different and special- even if I know, no one else notices me.
I love how I can make myself happy just by hearing God's voice, a beautiful song, or be moved by something I see on television.
I love how I care about people to the utmost part of my being- even if they mistreat me.
I love that I am different because I want to change and never be the same.
I love that I love adventure.
I love that I don't settle when it comes to men.
I love that I love to read and I seek knowledge through reading. I love that I find more about myself through the art of reading.
I love it when i work out because I feel beautiful.
I love that I can appreciate the little things each day.
I love that I love my family and I can accept most friends as family.
I love that even though I have a fight with them, I can always tell them (even if I'm mad) that I love them.
I love that I try to learn everything.
I love that I love to be better, inside and out.
I love how I love.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I'm doing great on this detox thing, I'm not hungry today, I feel so lite lol and I feel great. I think when your body craves junk food it is because you are missing a nutrient or mineral that you body can not naturally produce- but yesterday and today I feel really good. I feel like my body is thanking me. I haven't lost anything, but this still feels right, I dont feel like I'm doing anything wrong so I'm gonna keep going!
I also got a bonus today at my job! So I'm very happy today!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
schedule changes, stress, enjoyment of food, comfort.... etc.
the list goes on. but what I realized is I'm doing this for myself. I need to do this for myself to prove that I can be whatever I put my mind to. Yeah, Its hard, but I'm strong enough, I can lose the weight, I can do this.
I just keep telling myself: food is fuel, food is fuel and nothing more.
The more I plan my schedule, the more I can make free time to do the things I love that way I don't turn to food for comfort. I've been reading more about losing weight, I've been motivated, and I'm serious about it. I need to do this for my health and my mind. What will I tell my future children about food when I get older? That its ok to be unhealthy and cheat? That using food as comfort is ok as long as you workout hard six days a week? No. This has got to stop.
The next three days I'm going to do a shakeology detox. I had a cheat day on monday, (which is normally one meal that day where I eat more calories, but not unhealthy food. I weight 143 pounds as of today. I want to be 140 by the end of the week. Not a bad goal if u ask me! 139 would be the cherry on top of the whole sundae!
I'm excited, already had a filling shake this morning, and I'm about to study and start my day working!
I'm very excited and I'm really focused. I know, I know, how long will this last? That is always in the back of my head, but if I start seeing results, I'll know I keep it up. If I start to feel amazing, I'll keep going and keep it up.
and I know I'll see results!
wish me good luck, especially for the next three days!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Oh... the soda days. I miss soda- but I have to tell myself... do I love cancer or soda more? Apparently soda causes cancer and that is a fear of mine: dying too young.
So with all my power and might- I'm staying away from soda.
This is me and my best friend Tawnya :) Isn't she beautiful???? I'm holding her belly because she is carrying my first God child, Kayde. I'm so excited and last Saturday was her baby shower. Elmer got to come along and it was really fun! You can see more pictures on facebook!
I found this amazing weightloss blog... check it out!
It's great because it gives you lots of practical tools and information even for someone like myself who knows a lot about weightloss but needs a re-fresher course on things to get your mind in perspective!
I would def. like to say that these two women should be prayed for and maybe post a kind word or maybe more on there blogs....
These two women are going through hard times at the moment and need prayer- also there loved ones need prayer as well. Both blogs are beautifully written.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I was reading some love letters from famous writers and I thought they were so beautiful I wanted to repost them- Its poetry and it's beautiful the way these men express themselves back in the day how much they love their love! Paris, December
"I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil. Sweet, incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart! Are you angry? Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried?... My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for you lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!
You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.
Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire."
Famous love letter by Gustave Flaubert
August 15, 1846
"I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge yu with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint and die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to
yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports... When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I've messed up. again.
This past week I've been upset because I just can not seem to find a medium anymore. I've been happy, well, content I mean, but this past week I've felt alone, abandoned, and worthless. These are my deepest roots people, these are the things I struggle with everyday and probably will for my whole life- why? All because I didn't have a father? yes and no. I've always had money and support- I was taught to be independent, but I never had someone growing up that I was emotionally attached to. I've had two close people in my whole life that I really felt attached too and I've lost them both. My Will and my Dawson so to speak. The gay best friend and guy who I thought was my soul mate.
I've turned to God. Only because I can't turn to anyone else and because I know that out of everyone, he can only give me the joy that I so desperately desire. The only problem I have is that I can't get this joy and I have no idea why. I used to have it- all the time. I was confident, I knew who I was in God, and now its the opposite and I have no idea how to get myself back at that point. I wish it was easy. I'm not saying its God, but I have no idea what I need to change or do that would help me get back to that point. Well... maybe thats not true because I should be going to church. Surround myself with people who go to church. They just seem so fake sometimes- like there life is so perfect- and sometimes it is, but not all the time! I just dont know how to fit in at church sometimes- I feel so lost.
I have this whole list of things that I've always wanted to do- and I've always been the type of person that says, "no matter what, I'm going to do it!" but lately, I've forgotten about that list and I keep asking myself, "am I really that different from everyone else?" I want to be, I want to be happy alone- I know there is no such thing as forever and I'm tired of losing people so I give up at trying to find lasting friendships and a wonderful marriage. yes, I give up? why? because what's the point of believing in something or someone when you know that nothing will last?
Sometimes this pain is too much. I know I'm going to be alone God, I just know it because sometimes I seek people to fill me instead of seeking you- but now I've been seeking you and where are you? How come I dont feel you like I used to? I know you're listening.
well I should def. go back to church and seek counseling because maybe I have unresolved issues that are blocking me from God that I just dont know about yet.
I know God made me for a purpose and I know I'm different- even though sometimes I don't represent that all the time but on the inside, I'm special. I just want the world to see that, I want that special someone to see that. I've been waiting and standing here for SOMEONE to notice me- but I go un-noticed. These are my deepest demons.
I'm tired of feeling alone, abandoned, and worthless.