Thursday, October 28, 2010

3 days and counting!

No that's not me above or anything BUT I'm going on my last run before the race and wow- i'm nervous!!!! Just like the time before I sang at the talent show in 5th grade kind of nervous. I gotta shake it off! I'm gonna try to have a positive mind frame about this. My time is important but not so much so that I dont enjoy the run on Sunday. Now I'm getting excited! Gonna go pick out what to wear and make my final playlist! woo-hoo!

Wishin & Hopin..

I wish I was pretty. Like, wow pretty. I have such a good personality and I have a pretty good face and legs but that's about it. I'm pale, I have a huge stomach, back fat, crooked teeth and really thin hair I think I'll loose when I'm old. I am attractive- guys call me "cute." who the hell wants to be called cute? I feel like ugly guys call me beautiful and hott guys call me cute. and if those hott guys want to have sex with me? all of a sudden I'm beautiful and hott. They're just saying that. I guess I'm being negative and harsh on myself because I feel the reaosn why I dont have a man is because of my looks or his looks. But deep down I know i was made for one man and he will find me irrisitable. Where the hell is he?????? My heart longs for attention from men and why? because I have father issues. I crave sex because I love the way a man treats a woman during sex- with passion, desire... I miss that! I want that all the time with someone who truly cares for me. I just feel ugly today. Inside and out.

Rant & Rave...

don't mistake my kindness for weakness because no one walks all over me. I'm so honest it surprises people but why lie? I can't please everyone! My grandma always says I have a big mouth and attitude but its just my honesty. It may sting but I wont hurt your feelings on purpose... unless I hate you. but seriously... I only dislike little girls and asshole guys who just like to have sex with girls. they are discusting jerks with Stds! ew!


Dating websites seem like a trick to me. I went on one a long time ago and all I got were granades! lol! I do think its a great way to meet new people but most guys just want to get laid- not have a girlfriend. if things go the natural way it takes forever!!!!!! I'm serious, it takes a long time to find a spark with someone. Honestly its only happened to me once- when I liked him and he likes me back but most of the time he doesn't like me or I dont like him back. I shoud try a chirstian website but I feel like only ugly people do this because they desperatly need someone. I dont need someone- I just want someone- the right one. But I guess its just not the right timing. WHICH SUCKS! i do think unless God tells you to go on a webiste then you shouldn't do it because its like going against God's love story he is writing for you. but you only live once! lol

who wouldn't want to date me anyway??


The 10k marathon is on sunday! yikes! I ran 6 miles yesterday and I did great! I ran the fastest I've ever done! My knees and feet were so tired though! I was glad to sleep after that. I'm excited about the race though! I still feel like a huge chicken running (small legs and feet but a huge chest and belly) lol! but i'm still gonna have a great time running!

Lately I've been content but sometimes I feel extrememly alone. It just drives me crazy because I dont feel special by a guy in my life. I wonder what makes me desire that attention so much that its hard not to think about it everyday. To me, being alone really isn't scary but its everyone else having someone who loves them except me is what breaks my heart. I feel that way during weddings, going out to the club, when I see a couple kissing.. etc. Its hard to sit and wait for someone and deep down I feel like there is no one out there. Its hard to wait for someone to notice me- to see me. I feel like I'm not part of the crowd. Like they are in a circle and I'm on the outside screaming, craving to be noticed but they only care about themselves.

For now I'll just shut out my lonely thoughts and picture what it would be like to go to Africa and play with giraffes! To feed them, to walk and run with them and to touch them! I <3>

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Not a good night...

Out of nowhere this sinking feeling comes to me today... I feel alone. I have a great life, i really do. Family, friends, I'm going places.. but I'm not comfortable. There is this person that I love- have loved- for so long and sometimes I'm so strong and I can disguise my feelings and other times its just one little thing he says and it gets me upset. I feel like he is my best friend and yet he will eventually be gone too. Why do I always find myself alone, waiting for the next big thing? Its hard to enjoy the moment because I know, in my heart, that things never last, they change or I loose someone. It hurts. I hate loosing people but I loose everyone I love and then the sinking feeling comes back again- I'm alone.

I'm a good person, I have many life goals, I'm still building a relationship with God that can be satisfying enough but then why is my heart so heavy tonight?

Do I just not feel good enough? pretty enough? no... maybe fear? maybe.... I guess I'm afraid to loose some of the best pieces of my life. The older I get the more life seems harder and harder to find happiness. Everytime a new person walks into my life I'm pumped up, laughing, happy, they build me up, I build them up.. and then BAM! something happens and I loose them. They become a bitch, or they fall out of love with me, or they just have no interest in being my friend anymore. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!! I hold onto the things that make me happy but the more I hold on, the more I know its just a matter of time before they leave me. I dont understand loss and how to deal with this thing that I can not change. There are so many people to get to know in this world too. I know God didn't make us to be completely alone but I feel completely alone because I feel not understood and I feel left alone- like no one wants to be in my life or cares because if they cared then they would be in my life. I mean...I'm writing on this blog because I have no one to talk to about this. No best girlfriend, no boyfriend, no one to trust nowadays. What happened to human kind? Its filled with secrets, distrust, backstabbers, and no compassion.

How do you deal with losing the ones that you love the most? How do you move on when you feel like pieces of who you are have left with the person who left you? I guess you do the best you can. I'm doing my best but on a night like tonight-when I can feel my heart breaking- its hard to ignore the pain.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Lifetime Goal!

This is always going to be a goal for me- always a struggle but it is getting easier and easier the more I learn. I want to loose weight. Almost a year ago I lost 24 pounds and after that I have kept it off! But now I want to really focus on being healthy. That means change my bad eating habits for good. No more soda- the more I read up about it the more I know its a evil substance. Today I weigh myself at 144.. ouch. My goal weight is 125. My mom thinks that is too skinny but once I reach 130, 5 pounds wont really make that much of a difference. I will look good but I want to feel and be the healthiest I can be. If I loose 2 pounds a week I will be 125 by the first week of December. Its not that far away! I know with the holidays coming up its harder but honestly for me, I don't stuff myself at thanksgiving. Even if I have one day where I splurge- it will contain no soda! I just have to focus on my health. They say the size of your heart is the size of your fist.. my hands are small! I need to take care of my heart and my health because heart conditions run in both sides of my family. Despite how hard life can be and its amazing way of kicking you in the ass... I still want to live a long life. There is just too much to see and do and I want to experience that with God. Here we go! I'm off to run! In case you didn't know, I'm running a 10k marathon on halloween! I've been training for two months now and I haven't run 6 miles yet, but I will soon! Life is only as good as you make it. I know you write your own story because God gives us free will and we have to make a lot of choices on our own. Day 1 without any soda begins!!!