I wish I could have a friend who has never met me- someone just to talk to- who wont judge me harshly but someone I can talk to and give me good advice. I just cant share everything with some of the friends I have and it sucks. People are just too judgemental. I guess the one thing I would share with that "made up" friend is I'm scared to love again. In a way I feel bound and I just don't believe in the kind of love that I used to believe in. Its not a bad thing I dont think, I think It shows I've grown up-not hoping for some fairytale but hoping for real life. Every relationship is hard, I'm very satisfied being by myself this last month. Which is SO scary because if I get too comfortable I'll forget whats it like to have someone and then that in itself creates more problems in a relationship. I dont know what this life has to offer but I feel like I'm going to be single forever. Because of a couple reasons... 1. I want to get closer with God and I want to love myself more and more and 2. I don't think many people understand me. I never used to have a big huge plan for myself other than get married and pop out kids but this is my 10 year plan.... (and I know what your thinking, "alicia, plans never work out the way you think" which is so true, but I know if I am single for a long time this WILL happen because I know its what I want and because it's what is best for me)...

Jan 2011-May 2011
Finish my last semster at Nova community college & work out and be at my goal weight!
June 2011
Go somewhere wonderful for my birthday! Somewhere in the US!
June 2011-August 2011
Work double time to save up money for my first semester at GMU!
September 2011- may 2013
graduate School with a bachelors in English followed by a certificate in public relations and advertising. I'm sure I might be able to finish before 2013 but this is on the safe side!
That summer after I finish college-
Take a cross country road trip and see all the sites I've always wanted to see. Get a nanny job somewhere and enjoy the sites!
Find a decent job I love doing in one of the states I've visted that I loved to be in-
work and save up a ton of money!
Travel for six months on a volunteer trip or join the peace corps!
then the rest is history only God knows! I will probably get another decent job and save up money to travel again or settle down and start a family. If I do not find anyone by the time I'm 35 I will adopt or just get pregnant lol I want a baby eventually but only if the money and timing is right. I do believe all children should have a father or a father figure but lets be real... I know how to raise a good child!

soooo cute!

Someone just rubbed me the wrong way today because of how stupid they are and I just lost it! I thought to myself and was like...

you know what? I'm sick and tired of people. People who judge me, who call me names and people who just do not notice what's inside of me or understand me. Seriously, fuck them. I'm not going to be so nice to people anymore. I'm gonna not hang out with any of those losers (these so called "friends") because i'm gonna be busy transforming myself into a better me. I'm gonna lose weight and look better than all the Kardashiens put together and then I'm gonna better myself on the inside and be the best Mother Theresa that I know I can be! I'm gonna show everyone what they are missing out on. I may not get married or have kids but I will have a life people wish they had the courage to have. I'm not like everybody else- I'm different. Different means being singled out and I have first hand experience with that. I will not apologize for who I am.

I think true love is learning to love yourself. Its easy to love someone who isn't you but to love yourself? Everyday forever? To forgive yourself and accept who you are- now that's hard. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are and we search for that everyday... so if I just learn to love myself and accept myself.. wont I be fulfilled? I think I just had a revelation!

I'm finally learning to love myself. Finally. sigh.

maybe I am changing :)

These are the places I want to travel too! I should be working right now but I keep daydreaming about traveling... its the only thing keeping me sane in this crazy world!!!

United Kingdom- London!

Egypt!

Bolivia!

The salt lakes are beautiful there! Its just like a mirror and looks like you are walking on water!!!

Puerto Rico:

Columbia:

Brazil!

Zimbabwe- Devil's pool

China- && the great wall!

Greece!

Spain:

lol this pic is hilarious! Ride with da bulls!!!!!!!!!!!

India- to go to an Ashram

Morocco: to ride the camel, to speak French and to swim at the beaches!

Someday...

I HATE that word someday... because Someday really means never. I'm not someday going to travel ... I am going to travel. I just have to wait until God shows me the right timing. Someday just means dreaming about it- someday just means never.

SOMDAY=NEVER.

News!

Today i'm suppose to be studying right now but let me just tell you I hate studying! I will do it right after I'm finished with this post but I wanted to share who they casted for the twilight movie for Edward and Bella's daughter.... she is too precious and looks just like them!

She looks just like the two of them! I just can't get past it!

Also, I saw the trailor for Blue Valentine- which looks interesting enough. Has anyone else seen it yet?

The moth not the flame...

I was watching an episode of smallville (superman) and it was very captivating to me.

It involved the future were you see Lois and Clark's relationship taken to a whole new level- they are madly in love and happy. In the present though- Lois isn't even sure how things with Clark will unfold or even get serious. She still thinks Lana is in the picture or could be coming back. Basically she believes that she is the moth but Lana is the flame.

I've felt this way before. It hurts but I just want to move on from the past. I've finally been feeling more and more like myself lately because I dream about love- I dont dream about pain or hut. I finally am letting people in again- seeing the real me. I'm just choosing selective people too see me though because I know you can't trust everyone. But i'm opening up to people again. I may not be young but I feel SO young and free and I have so much to learn. I feel like a little child sometimes. I feel that what I was suppose to learn in my childhood was actually learned in my adult life because no one ever taught me these things. I've had to learn from every single mistake I've made. One great positive thing about me is I learn quickly. No one likes to get burned bad and I've gotten burned pretty bad- my hearts been shattered, I was depressed for a long time and gave up on love completely.

Now the love I focus on is inside myself. I focus on God- the ultimate love. I focus on the positive sides of me- the ones i've hidden because I've been stomped on. I feel like I'm just figuring out who I am and what I'm suppose to do. Thigns are still a little hazzy but as long as I do what makes me happy and experience all that God wants me to experience- I wont ever be depressed again.

I feel ready to embrace life's ups and downs, to embrace being alone but I dont feel I'll be alone for forever. not because I'll have a man but because I'll build all kinds of new friendships and my family will be stronger. Growing up is hard and I only feel halfway there but I dont feel confused anymore or sad. Its like I've realized a lot in myself. I used to feel helpless alone and sometimes in my soul I do still- but thats because I dont have a strong relationship with God like I used to. I just need to meet new people.

I'm glad the old me is coming back- its surfacing but I'm also a new person because I've grown from my mistakes. I can confidently say that I've wasted dreaming about a particular boy when I could have seen that I dont even exist to that boy. it was easy for him to learve me in his past and not think twice and now I've realized how silly I was to dream about someone who doesn't notice me romantically anymore. I'm not bitter- just ready to move on. I'm not gonna force anything, I'm gonna let love find me when the timing is right.

I'm ready for the road less traveled =)

Dear God...

2nd Kings 17:15 "...they followed worthless idols and themselves became worthless..."


Thank you God for speaking to me through your word. I realize now htat I feel worthless because I followed idols and not you. Please help me get that back- that fire we once had. I want to you in my life. I will put trust and faith in you. i feel worthless and rejected everyday but you God accept me and draw me close to your heart.

Job 15:31
"let him not deceive himself by trusting what is worthless for he will get nothing in return."

2 down 1 to go...

I found my Will......

I've found my Dawson.....

But where the f*ck is my Pacey???????????????

oh God, please please please let my soul mate look like this guy. This guy is beyond attractive to me.

His smile is soooooooooo perfect!!!!!


Anyway.. I just wanted to post up something silly and stupid. Seems like people put up silly things on blogs nowadays so why not me?

New pics!

After doing p90x for one month I have updated pics!

*too see my old pics just scroll down to an older post! :)

I hate my life!!!

Once again I feel so alone. I have no one. I barely have friends and I feel no one cares about me. I just want a hug, someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. But no, Im just sittin here with no one while my heart just keeps breaking. I fear this is how it's always going to be. I just want someone to care enough but they dont. No one can help me- well they can but no one tries. I feel like people just sit back and do nothing when it comes to me. But when people need me I'm always there- I give hug, I comfort, I try to make there life more positive and I try to make them laugh or something!

I just want a hug. Some kind of love. Something. But I know in the end- it wont ever happen. At least not tonight.

:(

arg!

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD READ MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before & After 2009-2010

Here are my before and after pics. I look so bad in this one... ew. But I look hott in this one below! =)

The first one is from winter 2009 I weighed 164

These are from winter last year to winter this year- I've lost 24 pounds.

Toast to the douchebags!

I'm listening to the Kayne West's song runaway, and I'm really feeling this song. Its weird, its like speaking to me. its like all the asshole guys out there are singing this powerful song to me telling me to run away from them cuz they are no good for me.
"runaway from me baby"
the violin is so beautiful in this song but the words are powerful too. Makes me think about my past relationship how I put up with so much and I should've gotten so much in return but I didn't. I honestly don't know if he is the one for me but I know its never gonna work out cuz his feelings aren't strong enough for me. And why would I want to be with someone like that anyway? guess he isn't the one then right? I dont know if I'll find someone even close to how he makes me feel but i know we aren't right for each other. When its right, you just know- everything feels right but this isn't right. something is missing and it ain't me! The song speaks to me about how these assholes aren't good to me. its just so powerfully spoken plus the singer is in pain cuz he doesn't know how to change himself. and the girl just triest to keep working things out and he is like- why can't you just runaway- because I'm not good for you! and I should too- I dont know why I stay and crave something I know isn't working. I need to have a more open mind, when it comes to love. I need to get to know myself more and see me and figure out who I am and who God is before giving myself to another person. I need to think about the consequences and not let the fear of being alone get to me. I need to see why everyone believes I'll find love except for myself. I need to experience freedom by going on adventures and living life to the fullest. More positive and less negative.

God,

please help me with the need to be fullfilled by someone else. All I want is you. Right now I wish so much to be held by a man and I feel this yearning inside to reach out to someone I shouldn't. Please be near me- hold me and help me protect my heart so it isn't given so easily. Please be with me tonight as I sleep. Thank you for being my father- my husband, my savior and king. thank you for seeing the real me and making me the woman you want me to be.

I love you, Amen.

Just a feeling...

Sometimes I wish things weren't so heavy on my mind, my heart. I don't know if its God or just myself but I just think or maybe a feeling inside that I'll end up alone. Its so hard to find someone even though I've met tons of people its really hard to find someone you feel a connection to- someone who will work with you and love you no matter what. I guess there is only one man for me and its not the right timing. I know I can't always trust my feelings though but still... if I really think about it- I just think that love is near impossible to get and keep it.

I DID IT! =)

I'm so happy to announce that I finished the 10k Marine Marathon course in DC! It went by quick and my time was the best ever! I finished in 1 hour and 5 minutes- BEST TIME EVER!! It was such a great feeling and I was tired, but not exhausted. My right ankle hurt while I was running but I just kept pushing through and my left knee hurt but what else could I do? nothing lol so I just kept on running.... I was an original Forrest Gump! without the beard :) I trained since the end of july and pushed myself the hardest I've ever done and I'm very proud of myself.

My next goal is to do p90x for 90 days. I know its hard but I've already started it and started eating healthy and I've lost 5 pounds in almost a week. I know I can do this and get in the best physical shape I've ever gotten in! I'm gonna be hott hott hott! more pics to come!