Thursday, December 9, 2010

The moth not the flame...

I was watching an episode of smallville (superman) and it was very captivating to me.
It involved the future were you see Lois and Clark's relationship taken to a whole new level- they are madly in love and happy. In the present though- Lois isn't even sure how things with Clark will unfold or even get serious. She still thinks Lana is in the picture or could be coming back. Basically she believes that she is the moth but Lana is the flame.
I've felt this way before. It hurts but I just want to move on from the past. I've finally been feeling more and more like myself lately because I dream about love- I dont dream about pain or hut. I finally am letting people in again- seeing the real me. I'm just choosing selective people too see me though because I know you can't trust everyone. But i'm opening up to people again. I may not be young but I feel SO young and free and I have so much to learn. I feel like a little child sometimes. I feel that what I was suppose to learn in my childhood was actually learned in my adult life because no one ever taught me these things. I've had to learn from every single mistake I've made. One great positive thing about me is I learn quickly. No one likes to get burned bad and I've gotten burned pretty bad- my hearts been shattered, I was depressed for a long time and gave up on love completely.
Now the love I focus on is inside myself. I focus on God- the ultimate love. I focus on the positive sides of me- the ones i've hidden because I've been stomped on. I feel like I'm just figuring out who I am and what I'm suppose to do. Thigns are still a little hazzy but as long as I do what makes me happy and experience all that God wants me to experience- I wont ever be depressed again.
I feel ready to embrace life's ups and downs, to embrace being alone but I dont feel I'll be alone for forever. not because I'll have a man but because I'll build all kinds of new friendships and my family will be stronger. Growing up is hard and I only feel halfway there but I dont feel confused anymore or sad. Its like I've realized a lot in myself. I used to feel helpless alone and sometimes in my soul I do still- but thats because I dont have a strong relationship with God like I used to. I just need to meet new people.
I'm glad the old me is coming back- its surfacing but I'm also a new person because I've grown from my mistakes. I can confidently say that I've wasted dreaming about a particular boy when I could have seen that I dont even exist to that boy. it was easy for him to learve me in his past and not think twice and now I've realized how silly I was to dream about someone who doesn't notice me romantically anymore. I'm not bitter- just ready to move on. I'm not gonna force anything, I'm gonna let love find me when the timing is right.
I'm ready for the road less traveled =)

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