I've been emotionally eating lately and I hate it! It doesn't make me feel better but it's like saying to myself, "well I already feel like crap, might as well eat this and myself feel even worse because I deserve it and I should be happy" The last couple of days, I don't want to work, I want to do something that will make me happy or at least get these blues out of my system and cry it out! SOMETHING!!! lol I'm so thankful and grateful for the things I have and at the same time I'm crying on the inside saying, "don't I derserve better than this?"
I just joined FoodForThought class at my church. It's a class on Sunday afternoons that explores food and emotions in a deeper way relating to what God says in the bible about this. "Food for Thought will help uncover the truths about your relationship with food. This class will guide you through the process of identifying unhealthy mindsets and exchanging them for truth- change from the inside out!" - www.lfmi.org
So I'm excited to take this class and today I've scheduled an appointment with a church counselor because I feel myself slipping into being sad and sorry for myself and I can't stand it. I've only been down for about 4 or 5 days but that is 4 or 5 too many! If i'm down for a day I think that's normal but more than that and it starts to ruin my life. I can't sleep, or I feel more tired, I dont' want to work, or i want to keep working to keep myself busy, I cry too often.. etc, etc. But this time I just feel sad about the things I don't have. I don't have friends, I don't have a man that supports me and gives me love, and I'm just stressed. I read an article on Oprah.com that talks about if soulmates are real and true lovers have the perfect relationship and I love this article because its reality for me that those things are not real. That true love isn't for everyone. Honestly I don't feel deserving or worthy enough of it and yet sometimes I think I am. The writer of the article is a therapist and she makes a great point when she says,
"When you want someone who an anticipate your thoughts and desires, you're really looking for an idealized parent-usually a combination of Mommy and Daddy wrapped into one. For years, I was looking for men who would think I was charming and make me feel safe- like Daddy's best girl, the craving for that kind of attention is rampant. I see women all the time who say they're looking for romantic relationships, but I believe they're really looking to be parented. We all want to feel special and dear, with our foibles bathed in the loving glow of a doting father and at the same time we want Daddy's strong arms, we also want a mother's sweetness and tenderness. and when the romance goes south, you end up feeling like a child who's been abandoned and is lost."
This really hit home for me and I want to learn more about this stuff so I can become a better person on my own. I really want God to be the center of everything and then I feel like no matter what happens, I'll be ok. When I don't put him in the center and I put myself in the center, I feel lost, abandoned, and I feel like crap basically. I want to overeat because I don't feel happiness, I don't feel God or love or the caring from other human beings. Most people are worried about money, jobs, and where to live- I'm worried about relationships and when I'll ever have long lasting ones. Relationships feed my soul and when they don't I turn to other things that I think will feed me but they seem to do the opposite and they kill my spirit and leave me alone, broken hearted, and miserable. I want to stop regretting the past and just move on. I want to stop wishing for things and actually live a life full with God as number 1. Only then will I be happy. I just have to get there and I think counseling today will help me with that!
I can't wait to get closer to God because I know no matter what happens, he is my only shot at happiness. I've been so happy before just with me and him and I want that again- desperately.