Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What am I doing?

I've messed up. again.

This past week I've been upset because I just can not seem to find a medium anymore. I've been happy, well, content I mean, but this past week I've felt alone, abandoned, and worthless. These are my deepest roots people, these are the things I struggle with everyday and probably will for my whole life- why? All because I didn't have a father? yes and no. I've always had money and support- I was taught to be independent, but I never had someone growing up that I was emotionally attached to. I've had two close people in my whole life that I really felt attached too and I've lost them both. My Will and my Dawson so to speak. The gay best friend and guy who I thought was my soul mate.
I've turned to God. Only because I can't turn to anyone else and because I know that out of everyone, he can only give me the joy that I so desperately desire. The only problem I have is that I can't get this joy and I have no idea why. I used to have it- all the time. I was confident, I knew who I was in God, and now its the opposite and I have no idea how to get myself back at that point. I wish it was easy. I'm not saying its God, but I have no idea what I need to change or do that would help me get back to that point. Well... maybe thats not true because I should be going to church. Surround myself with people who go to church. They just seem so fake sometimes- like there life is so perfect- and sometimes it is, but not all the time! I just dont know how to fit in at church sometimes- I feel so lost.
I have this whole list of things that I've always wanted to do- and I've always been the type of person that says, "no matter what, I'm going to do it!" but lately, I've forgotten about that list and I keep asking myself, "am I really that different from everyone else?" I want to be, I want to be happy alone- I know there is no such thing as forever and I'm tired of losing people so I give up at trying to find lasting friendships and a wonderful marriage. yes, I give up? why? because what's the point of believing in something or someone when you know that nothing will last?
Sometimes this pain is too much. I know I'm going to be alone God, I just know it because sometimes I seek people to fill me instead of seeking you- but now I've been seeking you and where are you? How come I dont feel you like I used to? I know you're listening.

well I should def. go back to church and seek counseling because maybe I have unresolved issues that are blocking me from God that I just dont know about yet.

I know God made me for a purpose and I know I'm different- even though sometimes I don't represent that all the time but on the inside, I'm special. I just want the world to see that, I want that special someone to see that. I've been waiting and standing here for SOMEONE to notice me- but I go un-noticed. These are my deepest demons.

I'm tired of feeling alone, abandoned, and worthless.

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