Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Not a good night...

Out of nowhere this sinking feeling comes to me today... I feel alone. I have a great life, i really do. Family, friends, I'm going places.. but I'm not comfortable. There is this person that I love- have loved- for so long and sometimes I'm so strong and I can disguise my feelings and other times its just one little thing he says and it gets me upset. I feel like he is my best friend and yet he will eventually be gone too. Why do I always find myself alone, waiting for the next big thing? Its hard to enjoy the moment because I know, in my heart, that things never last, they change or I loose someone. It hurts. I hate loosing people but I loose everyone I love and then the sinking feeling comes back again- I'm alone.

I'm a good person, I have many life goals, I'm still building a relationship with God that can be satisfying enough but then why is my heart so heavy tonight?

Do I just not feel good enough? pretty enough? no... maybe fear? maybe.... I guess I'm afraid to loose some of the best pieces of my life. The older I get the more life seems harder and harder to find happiness. Everytime a new person walks into my life I'm pumped up, laughing, happy, they build me up, I build them up.. and then BAM! something happens and I loose them. They become a bitch, or they fall out of love with me, or they just have no interest in being my friend anymore. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!! I hold onto the things that make me happy but the more I hold on, the more I know its just a matter of time before they leave me. I dont understand loss and how to deal with this thing that I can not change. There are so many people to get to know in this world too. I know God didn't make us to be completely alone but I feel completely alone because I feel not understood and I feel left alone- like no one wants to be in my life or cares because if they cared then they would be in my life. I mean...I'm writing on this blog because I have no one to talk to about this. No best girlfriend, no boyfriend, no one to trust nowadays. What happened to human kind? Its filled with secrets, distrust, backstabbers, and no compassion.

How do you deal with losing the ones that you love the most? How do you move on when you feel like pieces of who you are have left with the person who left you? I guess you do the best you can. I'm doing my best but on a night like tonight-when I can feel my heart breaking- its hard to ignore the pain.

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